Where did I go?

Or maybe I should ask, "why didn't I come with me when I moved back to Tennessee?" One thing I have discovered in these four years of living in Memphis is that I am not the person I became in Miami. I remember after my divorce I was so proud of myself for becoming this incredibly independent and self-sufficient person who could figure out a way to handle anything that came my way. I was full of energy. I did things. I learned to do new things that piqued my interest. I was much more outgoing and made friends more easily.

I find myself swept up in a reversal of that evolution. I am stagnating. I am not the "go-getter" I was. I don't try new things. I don't go anywhere. And I don't know why. I'm not unhappy, really. I'm not sitting around saying, "poor me," however I'm not enthusiastic about ANYTHING anymore.

Memphis isn't conducive to happiness. At least not mine. I do see people who seem happy here. I think it boils down to a matter of what makes someone happy. I need warm weather combined with sunshine and the ocean. The things that made me happy involved being outside and being active. In a city known for its violent crime rate I don't get out and walk or bike like I used to. There's no place to kayak like I used to. No places to scuba dive like I used to. I have no "perfect weekend" here. I lived "perfect weekends" practically every weekend in Florida. Getting up on Saturday around 9:00-ish, a quick breakfast, load the bike and go ride 15 miles in the Everglades with the camera taking pictures of alligators and birds. Getting home in the early afternoon, changing into beach mode and heading to Haulover Beach to claim my little patch of sand near the water, drop the top to "free the girls," and sleep in the sun, taking intermittent breaks from napping to swim and snorkle or read a few more chapters of a good book. I would get home around 6:00p.m., shower, fix a healthy dinner, often lobster because I usually kept a half dozen of them in the freezer, and then either hang out with Doug and Sharon at their house or just putter around my house working on a project with the music blaring. I don't remember the last time I had my stereo on here in this house.

I know that I have to make myself get it in gear, to find my stride here in Memphis. I'm here and I have to make the best of it. If I could do it over, I probably would have never moved back. I'm getting this overwhelming feeling that I need to move somewhere I can be happier but I know that's not practical right now. I don't know if that "somewhere" is back to South Florida or some other place where I can find a similar lifestyle to the one I had there.

But for now, I just need to focus on trying to be that person I was. I can't continue stagnating. I need to force myself to go do things, to be active, to get out among people and see friends and make new ones. I have to do that.