October gave a party - the leaves by hundreds came....

I LOVE the month of October. It is truly my favorite month and the month the most difficult to get through during the decade I lived in South Florida where there were no season changes. I always feel a sense of energy and rejuvenation when I start to smell fireplaces burning, feel the crunch of leaves under my feet and see the beautiful colors as the leaves change. And then there's Halloween. My favorite holiday to decorate for. Some of my favorite childhood memories revolve around deciding on, and assembling, a trick-or-treat costume; plotting the best streets and routes with my friends to score the most candy; and then laying in the floor of the living room going through my "haul."

I started my annual October re-reading of To Kill A Mockingbird last night. I think this will be my 18th time to read it. I love curling up in bed at night and reading it out loud trying to sound like the narrator in the movie with that genteel southern accent.

I'll miss the cabin at Bear Creek -- seeing the leaves change, tromping around the cabin through the falling leaves and sitting in the filtered warm sun in the rocking chair on the porch. I'll miss being there with Eric. It's one of those special places that just shines in the Fall and conjures nothing but happy memories and warm thoughts.

SMALLER pieces of me!

After EP and I broke up in November I decided I had to take that opportunity to make some positive changes. The most looming issue I had was how much I've let myself go since moving back to Memphis. So I stopped eating fast food as of January 1st and set up a myfitnesspal.com account so I could track calorie intake and calories burned. As of today I've lost 20 pounds. It was falling off faster the first 6 weeks and progress is moving more slowly lately but there's still progress. I have 30 pounds more to go to hit my goal of weighing what I weighed when I started college. It's not been very hard. I eat pretty much whatever I want, just not as much of it. I do eat healthier, especially since I banished fast food from my life. Some people are noticing but the change isn't really drastic yet. I think the next ten pounds will make it much more noticeable. I feel better. I sleep better. It feels good.

Good riddance 2010, hello 2011!

Today's date is 1/1/11. Every "first day of the year" seems like a fresh start but how can you go wrong with 1/1/11? It's just screams "new start." I'm not going to make New Year resolutions this year. They'll just be forgotten by March, as usual. Instead, this year I simply promise to treat myself better: take a little nap now and then, guilt free, so I can get that little bit of extra sleep; take a nice leisurely bath (complete with bubbles) as often as I can to just relax; cook more good food and enjoy the process of meal prep, rather than scarfing down crappy food that isn't good for me because I'm in a hurry; let my hair down now and then and just have fun without worrying about being so responsible; and lastly, spend more quality time with the people I love.

2010 wasn't awful but it wasn't a fabulous year. EP and I limped along until, sadly, we broke up in November; the economy was crap; my job was unsatisfying and lacked any challenge whatsoever; and I didn't make any headway toward becoming an appraiser because of the depressed mortgage industry. If I had to sum up 2010 in one word it would be "torpid."

So, instead of making a list of things like "grow my nails" and "get in better shape," I'm going to go for the bigger picture of just being happy. I think with happiness will come balance. So bring it 2011, let's make it a good one!

Infernal Time (sucking) Machine

While that sounds sort of like a title of a song by The Cult, it's actually how I feel about my laptop. If I actually kept a log of how much time I spend on this computer AND my computer at work I think I would be mortified. No, I'm sure I would be. I'm mortified just thinking about it.


But honestly, I don't know how I functioned before there was access to the internet. If I can't think of something, I look it up and know the answer in seconds. If I need to figure out how to do something, I can spend 30 minutes on the internet and know practically everything I need to know about that particular subject. These are really not the things I'm complaining about; I consider those aspects a real bonus.

It's the social networking aspect of it that I'm struggling with. Since Jim and Ted (yes, you know WHO you are)set me down this path of rediscovering friends and acquaintances, it's become almost a ravenous need to see what people are doing. And I'm not just talking about the people I was once really close to but lost touch with. I NEED to know what my Mom's hairdresser's daughter had for lunch and what that weird guy who sat behind me in church when I was in 8th grade thinks about our President. Seriously, why does that even matter to me?

I DON'T KNOW!

While I've never had an addictive personality, that's exactly what I have -- an internet addiction. Now, it's certainly not as bad as that couple in Japan who almost let their infant starve because they were too busy practically living in a coffee shop online gaming. And my addiction pales in comparison to the nut who was recently arrested after the authorities found her two dogs carcasses rotting her her dining room after they starved to death; and her three children eating cold beans out of tin cans while she played Farmville or whatever game it was she spent 22 hours a day playing. Thankfully, I'm nowhere near the caliber of these people.

But I'm definitely noticing changes in my behavior because of the time spent clowning around on the internet. For instance, there are pieces of a stuffed dog toy laying all over my den.

All. Over. My. Den.

But here I sit, typing a post to my blog...about spending too much time on my laptop. There are dishes in my kitchen sink and I could probably gather up a few loads of laundry if I were so inclined. The old Shelby (Pre-Social Networking Shelby) would not go to bed tonight without rectifying the aforementioned state of disarray. When I do log off, I'll watch TV and then, as I head off to bed, I'll glance at the treadmill in my workout room and think, "man, I wish I had more time and I'd start working out every night!"

The times, they are a'changin. I'm vowing to spend less time social networking and more time actually networking and doing things that are good for me. I kicked off this commitment tonight by taking the dogs for a nice walk and then taking a long bike ride.

Tomorrow night, I will get ON that treadmill instead of doing the walk of shame by it on the way to bed.

Okay, I didn't fail, really.

In January I posted my commitment to producing crafts. I didn't fail. I just sort of forgot that I had started this blog - a testament to how interesting I find myself, I suppose.

Anyway, I have completed a few things so here we go:

This lamp:

I started collecting postage stamps when I was about 9 or 10 years old. I have several albums full of them and then when I got older and less interested, I still collected them. Rather, my Mom and various aunts collected them and sent them to me by the ziplock bag full.

I threw this old brass lamp out. I eyeballed it sitting there on the street for several hours before I went back to retrieve it due to overwhelming guilt. I can't stand throwing out something that works. Even if I have no need or want for it. I think there's a hoarder inside of me trying to get out. So I got the lamp and took it into my craft room and stared at it for a while and then thought, "hey, cover it in postage stamps!" It's not like I don't have enough. I could decoupage my entire den in them and still have enough left over to decoupage YOUR den, too. So I spent a weekend back in February modpodging stamps all over the lamp and now I totally dig it. I'm struggling with the black shade and will likely buy a different color if it continues to bug me, but I really like the lamp. Lesson to be learned here: Hoarding isn't such a bad thing. This lamp could have been laying in a landfill by now not biodegrading and taking up space on our planet. Now it's rockin' the guest room night stand, instead!

In March, I knitted these hats using the loom that my friend, Libby, turned me on to. I have so much left over yarn that I won't use for a project so I decided I would start loom knitting these hats and in the Fall I will take them to the homeless shelter to be distributed when it gets cold. I get rid of my yarn AND get to feel all good about myself for doing something to help people who aren't as fortunate.

So, it's May and I didn't do anything crafty in May that I can think of. I suppose that means I'll have to crank out a couple of things this month to play catch up. I'm not sure what it will be. I've been wanting to crank out a batch of soap and I really want to tile the top of kitchen island with something cool -- a mosaic or resin embedded with funky stuff. I'm a quarter of the way through May so I had better get cranking!

Where did I go?

Or maybe I should ask, "why didn't I come with me when I moved back to Tennessee?" One thing I have discovered in these four years of living in Memphis is that I am not the person I became in Miami. I remember after my divorce I was so proud of myself for becoming this incredibly independent and self-sufficient person who could figure out a way to handle anything that came my way. I was full of energy. I did things. I learned to do new things that piqued my interest. I was much more outgoing and made friends more easily.

I find myself swept up in a reversal of that evolution. I am stagnating. I am not the "go-getter" I was. I don't try new things. I don't go anywhere. And I don't know why. I'm not unhappy, really. I'm not sitting around saying, "poor me," however I'm not enthusiastic about ANYTHING anymore.

Memphis isn't conducive to happiness. At least not mine. I do see people who seem happy here. I think it boils down to a matter of what makes someone happy. I need warm weather combined with sunshine and the ocean. The things that made me happy involved being outside and being active. In a city known for its violent crime rate I don't get out and walk or bike like I used to. There's no place to kayak like I used to. No places to scuba dive like I used to. I have no "perfect weekend" here. I lived "perfect weekends" practically every weekend in Florida. Getting up on Saturday around 9:00-ish, a quick breakfast, load the bike and go ride 15 miles in the Everglades with the camera taking pictures of alligators and birds. Getting home in the early afternoon, changing into beach mode and heading to Haulover Beach to claim my little patch of sand near the water, drop the top to "free the girls," and sleep in the sun, taking intermittent breaks from napping to swim and snorkle or read a few more chapters of a good book. I would get home around 6:00p.m., shower, fix a healthy dinner, often lobster because I usually kept a half dozen of them in the freezer, and then either hang out with Doug and Sharon at their house or just putter around my house working on a project with the music blaring. I don't remember the last time I had my stereo on here in this house.

I know that I have to make myself get it in gear, to find my stride here in Memphis. I'm here and I have to make the best of it. If I could do it over, I probably would have never moved back. I'm getting this overwhelming feeling that I need to move somewhere I can be happier but I know that's not practical right now. I don't know if that "somewhere" is back to South Florida or some other place where I can find a similar lifestyle to the one I had there.

But for now, I just need to focus on trying to be that person I was. I can't continue stagnating. I need to force myself to go do things, to be active, to get out among people and see friends and make new ones. I have to do that.

My ta-tas are just fine, thank you.

Today I had an appointment for my fourth round of mammograms in 11 months. Unlike the first three rounds, this one caused me to lose more than a little sleep. I really worried that I would be receiving some bad news today.

These appointments are mini-marathons in that you move about the place for hours on end in a giant white waffle-weave robe among a sea of women in identical robes. Sprinkled among the sea of white are a handful of pink robes. I was told the women wearing them are currently undergoing treatment or are cancer survivors.

It's a peculiar environment. I had no doubt that these women were feeling as antsy as I was yet there was a spa-like quality of relaxation about the room. Some women are sitting in full body massage chairs, others sit sipping coffee while they smile and nod as new women enter the room looking for a place to sit. Others are reading books about self discovery and spiritual journeys like "Eat Pray Love." I took my book "Three Cups of Tea" and curled up in the most comfortable chair I could find for the long wait.

As I looked around the room there was a painting of a cross on the wall, a giant statue of an angel on a table and a verse stenciled on the wall from the bible, the book of Jeremiah, I think, referencing hope and the future. Being agnostic, a somewhat reluctant one, I wondered if these were items that should be providing me with some level of comfort and I wondered how many of these women took comfort in them.

When my name was finally called and I walked down the hall to the exam room, I passed by Dr. Mize's office -- the doctor who always reads my films. I looked into the dark room to wave if she happened to be looking. She keeps the lights out, even during consultations, because it helps to see the diagnostic images on her computer monitor. As I glanced into the room a woman was sitting in her robe next to Dr. Mize and she was crying. I could tell they weren't tears of relief. I just kept walking and wondered to myself, "if that's me in about an hour, how am I going to respond to the news?" My gut told me that I would likely be my usual aloof self but I wasn't sure.

After the exam, I returned to the waiting area and relaxed in one of the massage chairs (in the shadow of the aforementioned giant angel) trying not to think too much about what might happen next. In a while I was called back again and told that Dr. Mize wanted another film so it was back to the exam room and then the waiting room once more.

Thirty minutes later, I was called back to talk to Dr. Mize. I sat in the chair in that dark room where the other woman had been crying. After a brief greeting, she turned to the monitor and said, "they look great!" I waited for her to finish it with, "...except for this giant pulsating tumor right here" but those words never came. She said, "yep, you are good, the area of concern turned out to be nothing to be concerned about. Lay off the caffeine because that's what causes these worrisome little spots and I'll see YOU in a year!"

I told her thank you, made some sort of a joke about being happy to see much less of her in the coming year, and went to the locker to get my clothes. I got dressed and left with an amazing feeling of relief. The kind of relief that makes you want to do a happy dance once you get out of the building and out of the sight of the people who are going through what you did just a couple of hours before.

I'm really glad I don't have to worry about this anymore. It's been a long and troubling year for me and "the girls."